Posted 12/07/2002 11:57:00 PM by Sid link


And Now For Something Completely Different

Just to have a change from all the carols featuring death and the punishments of Hell.

Silent Night

Silent night, Holy night
Bruce Wayne is The Dark Knight.
Down in Gotham they're going wild,
Because Batgirl is having his child.
He's going to name her Bernice.
He's going to name her Bernice.

Silent night, holy night,
Bat Signal shining bright.
On the rooftop she sits in her cloak;
Out on patrol when her water broke.
Lord, what a place for a birth!
Lord, what a place for a birth.

Silent night, holy night,
Robin faints at the sight.
of the Batcave between her thighs,
Bernice breaths in, then shrieks and cries;
The Bat Infant is born!
The Bat Infant is born.

Posted 12/07/2002 12:26:00 PM by Katie Bug link


Winona's Troubles

Winona is addicted to pain killers? I will be sure to take some if I am ever forced to watch "How to Make an American Quilt."

Posted 12/07/2002 11:55:00 AM by Katie Bug link


The Spirit of St. Louis

Posted on an AOL news site by The Associated Press:

St. Louis Called Most Unsafe City

ST. LOUIS (Dec. 6) - St. Louis outranked Detroit as the nation's most-dangerous city, according to a Kansas research and publishing firm's annual report.

St. Louis' marketers and criminologists dismissed the findings as another bid to satisfy America's craving for rankings.

``People are inundated with this type of thing, and they read it for what it is,'' said Nancy Milton of the St. Louis Convention and Visitors Commission.

Using FBI crime figures for 2001, Lawrence, Kan.-based Morgan Quitno Press ranked Atlanta as the third most dangerous city, followed by Gary, Ind., and Baltimore. Detroit had been No. 1 for three years, according to Morgan Quitno's rankings, now in their ninth year.

The city swelled with pride as the new rankings were made public. Here are some comments from locals interviewed about the city being on top.

"It was touch and go there for a while," said Joe McNamara. "I thought Detroit was going to win again, but luckily we had some gang shootings at the end of the polling period which gave us the victory."

Nicole Pedlam answered, "I have never won anything before in my life. This is truly a blessed day."

"You just lucky I ain't killing you right now," said Chilly T. "I just got to shizzle on my nizzle."

"Finally, this city is recognized for something other than Charles Lindbergh and Nelly," said the mayor.

Posted 12/06/2002 11:42:00 PM by Sid link


Apparently blood will tell, even after 13 generations away from the mother country.

Jolly good, wot! Anyone for tennis? That'll be ten ponies, guv. You're the epitome of everything that is english. Yey :) Hoist that Union Jack!

How British are you?

this quiz was made by alanna

Posted 12/06/2002 11:24:00 PM by Sid link


Collapse of Civilization Imminent, End Times Nigh, just like they have been for the past 2000 years.

Friends of Hraka the Daily Pundit and the the Feces Flinging Monkey have created a blaze of smallpox controversy. Both think that any biological attack using smallpox is the Trump of Doom, a theory which I can see the logic in but ultimately find untenable.

If there is a smallpox attack, then I don't think there'll be a lot of casualties in the West. Since the population of the West is not only the presumed target but the vector through which the rest of the world is infected, I also think most casualties will be limited to the West. Given the reasons I'm about to go into below, I think a smart adversary would plan a biological attack on the Third World rather than the First, as public health measures are so much weaker in a third world country than they are in the West. You need to infect a lot of people and hope for the best, and I think the easiest way to do that would be in a country where the infrastructure needed to fight smallpox is sketchy to non-existent.

The reason I think the impact of a smallpox will be limited is because smallpox is spread through prolonged face to face contact,* and the country is going to shut down the day the first case is announced. Everyone is going indoors and is not going to come out until they're vaccinated, unless it's for an absolute necessity, like food, and then they'll wear masks, gloves, and avoid touching people like they were Howard Hughes reincarnated. Our over developed fear of germs is what will end up saving us, as it lends itself to the the ring vaccination approach adopted by the Bush administration very nicely. That said, I wish he'd chop whatever is needed to vaccinate everyone off the missile defense budget and get it over with. And frankly, if George has evidence that Saddam has weaponized smallpox then the nuclear missiles should already be in the air, as far as I'm concerned.

I spent 8 hours today at my job, hundreds of miles away from my physical workplace. It's a feature of the society we live in, one that is trending towards less and less face to face interaction among the population. People complain about that all the time, but it's a really good defense against disease.

I know the exact vector that transmits 90% of the diseases in my house. It's daycare. The Ngnat sees far more people in her day than do either of her parents, and while it might be.....interesting to work from home for a month or two while we keep her home from daycare, it could certainly be done. And it will be, the minute I hear of a smallpox case. The economy will take a hit, but civilization's not going to collapse. Indeed, the last time the West face a disease that killed off a third of the population, there was an economic boom.

European economy and society changed drastically following the Black Death. Because so many people had died, there was a huge labor shortage. This contributed to the end of the feudal system, since serfs could often leave their manors and make a better living in cities. In addition to better work opportunities, survivors of the plague had a surplus of material goods. Many of the dead had left behind entire estates and other belongings. These goods were available through inheritance and looting. At this time, the pawnshop business, made famous by the Medici family, became extremely successful. Through these factors, Europe experienced an overall rise in its standard of living.

Frankly, it's the looting I look forward to. Must be the Democrat in me.

If you're worried about some weaponized, airborne form of the virus, then nothing I've said here has made any impact, but invest $40 in a case of surgical masks. The good ones filter out particles far smaller than the smallpox virus. I'll probably buy a case of latex gloves, as well. Should you a pressing desire to buy either right now, my old company sells them.

*Yes, some cases have been traced to airborne contamination, but they're not only rare, they almost always occur inside hospitals or other buildings, where the virus is able to last longer that it would out of doors.

Posted 12/06/2002 09:25:00 PM by Sid link


Recommended Reading

Posted 12/06/2002 08:42:00 PM by Sid link


5 Minutes to Midnight in Caracas

Venezuelan blogger The Devil's Excrement is reporting that sharpshooters have fired on opposition demonstrators, with multiple deaths, and that the government news media have yet to mention it hours after the fact. Vheadline.com is calling them "drug-crazed....opposition hoodlums", and further claims that they set off a "rebel ammunition dump".

Posted 12/06/2002 03:41:00 PM by Sid link


One and a Third, for the Price of One

I suppose it may be beloved somewhere on the planet, but "Nuttin' for Christmas" always seemed to be a fourth or fifth tier Christmas song to me, something that you always heard on the radio but never actually sang yourself, or heard anyone sing. Of course it's still around, as is its composer, fifty years after it was released, which isn't bad for a song that never got the iconic treatment that Rudolph and Frosty received. Think that Nsync's Christmas songs will make it that long?

I came up with two versions, one complete and the other not, as there was no real need to belabor the joke in the second any further.

Zod: That never stopped you before.


Something for Christmas, as sung by S. Hussein

I shot a mother in the head;
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a nuke under my bed;
Somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some brains on a prayer rug;
I made Uday eat a bug;
Called George Bush a two-bit thug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm making smallpox for Christmas
I ain't been nuttin' but bad.
I'm making smallpox for Christmas
And I'm getting help from Riyadh.

Made a rug from a panda bear
Somebody snitched on me.
I stole all of Hans Blix's hair
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid all of my weapons plants
Put a fish down Kofi's pants
Fed a Kurd to some fire ants
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm making smallpox for Christmas
Sontag and Chomsky are glad.
I'm making smallpox for Christmas
And I'm getting help from Riyadh.

This year I will play Santa Claus;
Expect a gift from me.
You can't stop me or it because
You didn't come for me
Now is too little too late;
And you'll have to sit and wait
They'll call me Saddam the Great;
In downtown Berkeley.

So you better appease whatever you do
'Cause if you don't, I'm warning you,
You'll catch something for Christmas.


And, one for our kilt-wearing friends.

Mutton for Christmas

I cut out the bellwether ewe;
Somebody snitched on me.
Made love to her in the morning dew;
Somebody snitched on me.
Gave her a cuddle and a hug;
Caught a sex-transmitted bug;
Treated it with a whiskey slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm getting' mutton for Christmas
Fergus and Willie are mad.
I'm getting mutton for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin but ba-aa-aa-aa-aa-d.

Posted 12/06/2002 10:44:00 AM by Sid link


Schizophrenia, Anyone?


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?





What cartoon dog are you?


both links via PCJM

Posted 12/06/2002 12:20:00 AM by Sid link


You'll Never Norwalk Alone

Virus Rattles Cruise Industry and Health Officials

The viruses are spread by what scientists call the fecal-oral route. As the unpleasant term suggests, transmission occurs when virus particles from an infected person's stool or vomit find their way into another person's mouth.
....
It takes only a small dose of the virus, 100 particles or even fewer, to make a person sick, according to studies of people who volunteered to become infected by drinking a stool filtrate.

"What did you do today, honey?"
"Well, work was kinda slow, but this fellow came buy looking for volunteers to drink a stool filtrate, and that sounded interesting, so I did that!"
"That's nice. Hey, where's my kiss?"

I don't know how one goes about making a stool filtrate, but I imagine at some point it involves the equivalent of dunking a turd in somebody's drinking water. I am easily in the top half of one percent of humanity when it comes to doing disgusting things, but I believe I'll draw the line when it comes to drinking the brown Kool-Aid. (Now with extra corn chunks!)

This actually didn't start out as the disgusting post of the week, but I gotta follow the tangents. I gotta be me.

What I started out to say was this.

I don't know how many cruises you might have been on. I've been on one, it was enough. If I want to see that many drunk rednecks gambling in one place again, I'll go to Biloxi. The cruise was chock full of people whom I would not have chosen to associate with on the mainland, ever. We all have a snob line, and Carnival Cruises did me the favor of letting me know exactly where mine was.

What struck me about the cruise, other than the vast herd of yammering polloi was the international flavor of the staff. Frankly, I preferred the staff, but that's not really the point. Every crew member was from a different nation, it seemed, and their country of origin was featured on the ever present name tag. The Gopher equivalent was from Great Britain, Doc was from the Netherlands, Julie was from Bolivia and Isaac was from.....Pakistan.

The theme that keeps getting repeated over and over again is how odd it is that the virus is not only so widespread, but keeps re-appearing on ships after they've been disinfected. What if it's not the ship's surfaces or passengers that are the source of the virus? What if it's someone in the ships crew, doing it on purpose? You've all heard of the guy who blew his nose in the cop's hamburger, right? This is just the jihad equivalent.

Suppose you were a low level Muslim crew member. You don't have to be Al-qaeda, you just have to be pissed off. You don't even have to be in food preparation. Suppose you spend your day with a spray bottle and a rag, wiping down surfaces after the the Imperialist Yankee Pigs have eaten their disgusting pork sandwiches there. No one actually checks to make sure you've got bleach in your spray bottle, so every now and then you just fill it with water and some of your personal diarrhea. Your entire biological attack consists of;

1.) Spray
2.) Wipe
3.) Wait for the next couple to eat off that table.

That works pretty well, so you tell some co-religionists about your little joke who work on the other cruise lines. A few weeks later, you've got yourself a nice little epidemic.

I'm not saying I think this is what's happening, but it certainly fits the facts of the story so far. Ships have had Norwalk infections before, but were fine after a thorough disinfection was carried out. Not only do we have the infection re-appearing on cleaned ships, it's spreading to other ships and other cruise lines. Unless we have a rather determined Norwalk version of Typhoid Mary or a fairly mind-boggling set of coincidences, what other explanations are there?

Posted 12/05/2002 11:14:00 PM by Katie Bug link


Angry Muslims Go To Hell

I’ve had it. For a while now I have avoided writing in anger, sitting down in front of my trusty Dell when I am pissed off about something. I have stayed away, for weeks it seems, from blogging in-depth about Al Qaeda, the war on terrorism, and the hunt for bin Laden. It seems as if this World of Blog has been created by that very topic, similar to the way CNN was successful almost overnight once the Gulf War began, and each day there is an endless supply of blogs dedicated to the subject. Honestly, I get tired of it after a while. I tire of reading about war, the political side of life, the bombings and random killings that are taking place all over the world, as each of us types our feelings regarding the subject. I need to focus on things different from this on a daily basis.

As many of you have noticed, Bigwig is really the steam that keeps this ship rolling, and while I love to read my comrade’s writings, I tend to leave that side of things to him and his wonderful ability to put his thoughts into words. Me, I tend to spend more energy on things that make me laugh, or random pieces of information found in the vast world of the internet…….but not tonight.

While I am in NO way sympathetic to Al Qaeda, I have grown to push them out of my thoughts, honestly spending little time each day worrying about what they are up to, or what plot they may be planning deep inside their dusty caves. I really just want to live and let live. Sure, I would like them to "POOF" be destroyed, but more than that, I just want them to go away. I haven’t cared whether or not they lived, just wanted their killings to stop, which of course, they haven’t. Tonight, my attitude is vastly different. Tonight I want them all to die.

I was perusing the CNN website when I saw that yet another warning has been received from Al Qaeda, this one promising that Americans will receive their “gift this holiday season,” because we “haven’t learned our lesson yet.” Earlier today I might have thought, “I wish they would stop hating us so much,” while tonight I will say out loud, “I hope you motherfuckers die.”

I’ve reached that point, a point that many of you may have reached much sooner. To the fundamental Islamists, who cloak themselves in an armor of “religious duty”, FUCK YOU. I am tired of your stupid ass threats, hoping that we will live in fear at what you might do next. Maybe Bush should start faxing things to the news network Al-Jazeera and tell them that we are going to hunt down all radical Islamists and start killing them in the streets for no reason other than we disagree with the ways they live their lives (by the way, can’t we trace where those transmissions are coming from? I can by something that will zap telemarketers from calling me, but there isn’t something from Radio Shack that could easily find out where the faxes are being sent from?).

But you know why he doesn’t do that, other than the fact that he might not be able to spell all of those big words correctly? Because we are not animals and you are. FUCK YOU for taking your religion and using it to fit your needs. Well, in that case, my Bible says, “An eye for an eye,” and my translation of that is, “Kill all radical Islamists because you can.” It says so in black in white. Surely that is what God intended for me to do because that is what He says in the Bible, and I’m sure my Bible can’t be wrong.

FUCK YOU for killing innocent mothers, fathers, children, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends and significant others in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania. FUCK YOU for putting a dark cloud forever on our calendars in the month of September. FUCK YOU for making our leaders send young people off to fight this war, and FUCK YOU for making my children have to grow up in a world where they have to worry about people wearing towels on their heads and who want them to die because they were born in this country. Is this offending someone? Then FUCK YOU too. Don’t bother leaving me comments about how insensitive I am, or how I am offending a large group of people who are being discriminated against because of a minority of them who have these fundamentalist beliefs. I am not targeting them, I am targeting those who are excited about causing us harm. If you don’t have these beliefs then don’t allow yourselves to be offended. If you do have those beliefs then I am not too worried about how this is coming across to you.

I held out for a year and two months, but I can’t hold out any longer. I fought the urge to send our people to war to kill others who disagree with us, but no more. A couple of years ago, when it was just me, I didn’t worry about these things so much, but tonight, thinking about my children and their safety, I am seeing red. I am tired of the warnings, and tired of the threats. Tonight I feel like going to the busiest mall, a crowded sporting event, or for a ride on a train. I feel like doing all the things they told me not to do, similar to the way I wanted to go drive my car during ice storms in the past when my parents told me that I shouldn’t do it.

Do I hate Islam? Do I hate those who follow the religion? Do I wish that we could annihilate that belief system from the face of the Earth? Of course not, but I do wish that people could have a belief in something bigger than themselves that would encourage them to do good in the world instead of constantly wanting to blow shit up. My religious beliefs are liberal, perhaps some would say too liberal, but I am of the belief that we should respect our differences and learn from each others’ beliefs instead of killing those with whom we disagree……..but tonight that belief is being tested.

Perhaps tomorrow I will feel differently……..I pray I do. But tonight it isn’t pretty. I want my family, my children and my friends to be safe. Nothing more, nothing less. How can you look at my children and want to hurt them? To those of you who respect others, believe in the good of mankind, and view differences as strengths instead of weaknesses, I apologize. To those of you who wish to do my family and friends harm………FUCK YOU.

Posted 12/05/2002 03:45:00 PM by Sid link


Power Down

The spokesman for Duke Power announced that it was going to be a matter of days before power was totally restored to our area, so we have decamped to the in-laws.

Posted 12/05/2002 03:40:00 PM by Sid link


We Three Kings

We three kings of Palestine are
Packing Semtex into a car.
It was loaded and exploded
Bang!

We two kings of Palestine are
Packing Semtex into a car.
It was loaded and exploded
Bang!

I a king of Palestine am
Packing Semtex into a pram.
It was loaded and exploded
Bang!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.........

Ok, technically that was not a re-write of a beloved carol, but a rewrite of a joke about a beloved carol. Still, I think it fits into the general plan for the month. I first heard it on Prairie Home Companion, but I don't think it originated there, and Garrison's been kind of a sourpuss lately, so I don't feel like giving him the credit.

But, since it was really easy, and I feel that perhaps those of you stopping by might deserve a bit more, since you're not getting anything close to my normal effort at carol mutilation in this post. What I can do is show you the beginnings of the meme, for me at least. I managed to dig up copies of the first mutilated carols I can remember from the attic bookshelves, both of which I ran into when I was about eight.

The first is by Isaac Asimov, to the tune of "The First Noel", from his Treasury of Humor

When they tore down the el, our mayor did say
That soon in its place there would be a subway.
'twould be new, 'twould be clean
twould be painted white and green,
So give three cheers for our bright new subway.
No el, no el, no el, no el!
So give three cheers for our bright new subway.

It must have stuck in my head due to the pun, because it doesn't scan worth a damn. Drop the the "there" from the second line, change "white and" to "light" and replace the last line with something that actually has the correct number of syllables and rhyme scheme, like "Never again shall we ride the el", and it's a much better fit.

Zod: Look at you, re-writing Asimov. You don't have a small opinion of yourself, do you? He's gonna leave the bosom of Abraham just to come back and kick your ass personally.
I'm an English major, it's what we do.
Zod: What, drive the crowds away by offering a detailed explanation of the exciting craft of parody song creation?
All Art has rules.
Zod: Art? Since when did you do anything that deserves a capital letter? You using the term to begin is ludicrous, like the guy who sold cans of his own shitas "art"
Never claimed it was good art.
Zod: At least he got paid for it. I see I shamed you back into the little "a".
Should we explain the pun?
Zod: Screw 'em if they don't get it.
That's nice of you.
Zod: 'Tis the season.

The other is one Dad sang every year around this time, from Walt Kelly's Pogo comic strip, to the tune of Deck The Halls

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla walla, Washington, an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley'garoo!

Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby lilla boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacola hullabaloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly welly cracker n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantalope, 'lope with you!

Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon,
Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarum bung-a-loo!

Duck us all in bowls of barley,
Ninky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, Woof, Woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, Goof, Goof!

I don't recall ever approving of him singing this song, at any time or place. When I was little it was because the words weren't the correct ones. When I was older it was out of the sheer mortification of having a father who not only insisted on being seen in public, but of actually talking or shudder singing. Oh, the horror of it all. One day I'll tell you about the time he took up jogging when I was in middle school, and he not only wore purple tennis shoes, but conducted his run on part of the same route used by my school bus!

It's a wonder I survived, though it was perhaps only so God could make me see what it's like to be on the receiving end. I was singing "Silent Night" to Ngnat last night at bedtime when she reached over, put her hand over my mouth and said "Daddy, be quiet."

I'm going to start memorizing "Boston Charlie" tomorrow.

Posted 12/04/2002 11:35:00 PM by Sid link


Watching the Meme Spread

Zod: Idiot. Don't you know a watched meme never spreads?

Kiril at Sneakeasy's Joint has rewritten Jingle Bells for the Blogosphere.

Posted 12/04/2002 12:32:00 PM by Sid link


So stupid, and I can't stop giggling

Posted 12/04/2002 11:56:00 AM by Katie Bug link


I Don't See this Ending Anytime Soon

Away In A Desert

Away in a desert, bin Laden does hide,
His ass will get blown up if he doesn’t stay down inside.
The stars in the bright sky look down where he lay,
The landscape a wasteland, so there he must stay.

Some money’s been cut off, taken out of his purse,
He lives where women are beaten, the camels nervous.
I hate thee, bin Laden look up in the sky,
See the bad ass airplanes try to get you to die.

You tore down our buildings,
On our fear you did feast,
But you poor stupid bastard,
You angered the beast.

Be fearful bin Laden,
You, we’re looking to fry,
So bend right on over,
Kiss desert and your ass goodbye.

Posted 12/04/2002 11:10:00 AM by Sid link


The Christmas Song 2002

His nuts roasting on an open fire,
Lava dripping from his nose,
He's been wrapped up in a coat of barbed wire,
By folks dressed up like Mephisto.

Everybody knows Osama's now the Devil's beau,
That is why the season's bright.
Demon tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will skin him many times tonight.

They know that Satan's on his way;
He's loaded lots of whips and pitchforks on his slaves.
And all Hell's denizens are going to spy,
When Satan makes him eat boiling pig eyes.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to...you!

I was stuck on this one last night until about 2 in the morning, when I realized Mephisto rhymed with Eskimo. After that, it wrote itself.

What do you think about in the wee hours of the night?

Posted 12/04/2002 10:49:00 AM by Katie Bug link


Welcome to Durham, City of Fear

To people living outside of the triangle area in North Carolina, Durham is known for a number of things. It is the home of the Durham Bulls, Duke University, and world-reknowned hospitals. Even the signs welcoming you into the town say "City of Medicine." To people who live there it is viewed in a completely different light. It is the city of gangs, drugs, and shootings. A place where you automatically lock your doors as you cruise through town. Apparently, even school buses are not safe. Good thing there are such good hospitals in the area.

Posted 12/04/2002 09:51:00 AM by Sid link


If you've come here in search of the Carnival, it has gone on tour. This week it's at a small victory, where Michelle has done it up right nicely.

Posted 12/03/2002 10:11:00 PM by Sid link


False Starts

How the Mensch foaled Christmas

All the crew in Bluefield Liked Horses a lot...
But a Mensch, who lived just north of Bluefield, Did NOT!
The Mensch hated horses! It was almost like treason!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
........
Cao Dai Wench's Seoul Isthmus
........

Posted 12/03/2002 02:14:00 PM by Katie Bug link


Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Bigwig got the ball rolling on our caroling crusade. This is just another installment of what I am sure will be the winter of your discontent. This should be sung to the tune of Rudolph....enjoy!!

Saddam, the Mustached Ruler

Saddam, the mustached ruler,
Had a very evil mind,
And if you ever met him,
He was sure to be unkind.

He likes to gas his people,
And kill them if they disagree,
With his political ideals,
The Iraqis will never be free.

Then one winter in the states,
Bush got it in his head,
That he had to win the war on terror,
Or not get re-elected.

Oh, how the Republicans loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
We’ll blow the shit out of Iraq,
And forget the damn economy!!!!!!!!

Posted 12/03/2002 01:45:00 PM by Sid link


The Dark Knight Re-Perms

Bruce Wayne, Playboy, Dark Knight, Hairdresser.

Posted 12/03/2002 01:00:00 PM by Sid link


One for the Rottweiler

We're two days into December, and "God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen" is already driving Misha nuts. I like "God Rest Ye" myself, it always makes me think of Scrooge, for some reason. One of the many productions I've seen must have featured it when I was of an impressionable age. But I can understand that it might drive others nuts.

Trying singing it like this, Misha.

God Curse Ye Arab Gentlemen.

God curse ye Arab gentlemen,
Who brought us such dismay,
and woke the fury of the West
on that September day.
You now are all in Satan's pow'r
Cause you were led astray;

O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

Now Saudi princes and imams
Your actions will decry
but when they judge the time is right
they'll pay you on the sly.
A special hell's reserved for them,
not the Sweet By and By.

O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

The women in Afghanistan.
Are free now thanks to you.
They thank Allah that Omar bit
off more than he could chew,
And many of his Taliban
Are waiting in Hell's queue.

O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

And in a future time to come,
Muslims will curse your name
Your sons shall turn their backs to you
and liberty proclaim,
for you have brought your kith and kin
naught but eternal shame;

O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

Fear not ye peoples of the east,
"Let nothing ye affright,
That day awoke a mighty foe,
to oppose Islam's spite;
Away from it Al-Qaeda fled.
Cockroaches in the light";

O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

Now what's sad is how easy this is. I can stick new words in somebody's original work all day long. Woundwort can as well. We've been doing it for years. I've resisted the temptation to do it more, because I've thought that at best, this type of thing has a limited audience.

But no longer! In honor of the holiday season, and in addition to the extremely light schedule of blogging that we already keep, we'll be re-writing your treasured Christmas memories all month long, or until Christmas, or until we are distracted by a shiny object. Why, we'll even take requests, unless we don't like them.

You might want to come back in January.

Posted 12/02/2002 05:13:00 PM by Sid link


'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Iraq
Not a weapon was firing, not even ack-ack;
The white flags were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Uncle Sam's men soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of freedom danced in their heads;
And mamma in her chador, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the city there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a Scud,
Tore open the shutters, expecting some blood.

The flares in the sky, with their actinic glow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a camouflaged sleigh, and four big-ass mule deer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't Hans Blix.
In company with eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"On Warthog! on Hornet! on Phantom and Tomcat!
Don't fuck with St. Nick when it comes to air combat!"
To the top of the bunker! to the top of the wall!
Now bombs away! bombs away! bombs away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So right over Baghdad the coursers they flew,
That sleigh, full of Jarheads, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each mule deer hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in camo, from his boots to his hat,
And to and fro, in his hand, swung an aluminum bat,
A bunch of grenades he had stowed in his sack,
One he tossed into the air, then gave it a whack

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
As the grenades soared like hawks out of their eyrie!
Flew out of my window and across the street,
Forcing the Republican Guard to retreat.

The stump of a stogie was held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke of it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a big bandoleer, chock full of napalm
That he took out and rubbed on his mouth as lip balm.

He was muscled and svelte, a right deadly old elf,
And I cringed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his chore;
Pointing out Saddam for the men of the Corps.
"I know where's he's been sleeping, now so do his foes."
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and we own the night!

And when he'd drawn all the fire from Baghdad below.
The Marines he'd come with snuck in Saddam's chateau,
They left coal in his stocking, then cut off his head,
And left it beside Uday, asleep in his bed.

We awoke in the morning with troops everywhere,
passing out chocolate to the kids in the square,
Christmas trees in our houses, with presents galore,
And the word on the street was "Santa's hardcore".

Update: Those of you who care for this type of thing might want to check out the Iraqi Christmas Carol. Those of you who don't, well, forewarned is forearmed.

Posted 12/02/2002 02:10:00 PM by Sid link


Reaping What I've Sown

She turned the cup upright, draining the last of the thick liquid out of it as the mostly male crowd around her counted out the seconds.

"6!...7!...8!...9!...10!"

At it was empty. She pirouetted around, just a tiny bit off balance, and slammed the empty sippy cup down on the table as our cousin and Kehaar cheered wildly. She demanded more milk, and did it again. And again.

This was the Thanksgiving Ngnat learned to chug. She had a very Marion in "Raiders of the lost Ark" attitude about the whole thing, her eyes dancing with the pleasure of being the center of attention, daring us to fill her up again. The Cousins's wife tittered at the sight. The Sainted wife looked torn between hilarity and disapproval. All I could think of was "I used to date girls who did that."

It made me nervous.

Posted 12/02/2002 11:48:00 AM by Katie Bug link


Now That's A Turkey

Oh, the humanity!!!!!!

Posted 12/02/2002 11:39:00 AM by Katie Bug link


Norwalk, Ohio

Norwalk appears to be a quaint little town nestled in Ohio. Only this place has a special claim to fame. No, they aren't able to put up signs reading "Home of Anybody Famous", or name a stretch of road "Celebrity Highway." No, their claim to fame is a lot less appealing. Apparently, this city gave the name to the virus that is hampering the successful operation of cruise ships leaving Florida.

Posted on AOL news site, by The Associated Press:

Cruise Ship Returns With Dozens Sick

MIAMI (Dec. 2) - A Carnival cruise ship returned from a three-day voyage Monday carrying more than 170 people sickened by a gastrointestinal virus, with symptoms similar to those plaguing other cruise liners.

The Norwalk virus, named for an outbreak 30 years ago in Norwalk, Ohio, and a group of Norwalk-like viruses are among several common micro-organisms that can cause diarrhea, stomach pain and vomiting for 24 to 48 hours, according to the CDC. They are spread through food and water and close contact with infected people or things they have touched. The incubation period is about two to three days.

I can see the bumper stickers now, "Welcome to Norwalk, Ohio, where people are just sick to leave us!!"